Nightmare Ilse

after mola

2009-05-17T22:25:00.002+08:00

Well just came back from EX MOLAR lol not really the best experience but well at least i got through it haha.

Found my weekend really hetic, needing to juggle time for family, work, friends and other stuff well i can only do so much in so much time really hope i got the time of the world haha but oh well i can only make do with it for now haha.

Last week went or YS surprise Bday, it was great hope my bro here really enjoyed himself haha well school is starting for him in Aug wish him the best of luck haha. To my dear mei, well life is hard and unfair at times but well the circle turns just that this bad quarter is awfully big but well it's still turning ya ^_^V take care loads k. FQ lol nothing to worry for you hehe but got things or stress must tell us ok hehe and when i got time let's go perfect ur cycling skills k hehe.

Too bad i can't meet Gerald today cause i got work to do and was quite late when i arrived but well, we have the whole life to meet hehe we will bound to meet so dun run away hehe.

Overall life now is hetic, not bad since i am always ok, cheerful, cute and handle myself well hehe (self boasting) ok lar i am feeling fine now hehe and as usual to all my friends out there stay happy, bad times dun last, things will all pass hehe

STAY HAPPY ^_^V

replaced via?

2009-05-03T02:59:00.001+08:00

Now I just felt totally replaced, or rather displaced, I guess in everything company and being there for stuff is very important, if u aren’t there, u will be left out no matter the reason, reality is cruel and life is the way it is.

When gym today finally have to apologize to Marcus my buddy that I can’t go to your bday bbq well, I guess I have to quote this again “I am no longer my own man” haha but well I will see you again on Monday for gym ya.

Somehow I felt this sacred odyssey operation had brought back the leadership in me, not as much cause I really dun wan to be involved, and somehow in a few chains of event I had resumed the role of counseling, to a few of my friends, I felt so old once again, but at my current capacity I am able to take in and process the problems and hopefully help my friends, at least now I am clear of myself, and my capacity for problems is empty.

I felt I have changed a lot, in every aspect I changed, my perception, my handling, my thinking and mindset, I felt different, and my priorities changes too. Oh well, why bother so much, I shall just keep moving on, and try my best to make others happy, shall be there for people whenever I can, afterall I aint super human haha I can only do this much, if that means things gonna change or left out, so be it haha

Life’s Simple Pleasures~

book out day haa

2009-04-18T02:14:00.000+08:00

Well booked out earlier today but it’s past 12 so not really today but well guess it’s still today haha Can’t get to sleep so decided to blog a little first.

Booked out today, originally was to go down to office straight to work but well change of plans, dad gone drinking, mum gone out so well might as well meet my friends all was last minute as I had already told them I am not going but oh well all turns out fine, so went to meet my BMT buddies at The Central and had BK for dinner haha. After dinner went to walk around at clark quay, went to a familiar place with loads of memories there, and had a weird feeling, well anyway we walked around seems to be looking for a place to drink but……… our dear friend JX was in smart 4 LOL so we ended up touring the area and settle near the river to chat for a while. Then I got a call from vette so went over to meet her and aisha to settle joyce’s bday present haha.

I guess my brain degraded I keep trying to remember what I forget about on the train and just as vette got off the train and the train door closed, I remembered it but it was too late to get off haha so I went to tamp and came back to simei to meet up with vette again LOL sorry vette to make u wait haha. Anyway saw my mei when I was alighting at tamp haha so qiao leh lol.

Well so I took 38 then switch to 239 which had a T arg! Didn’t notice it at all haha ended up still have to walk home LOL but I had a stroll in the park haha guess all was fine ba I hope so anyway tomorrow’s working day, tons of stuff to clear and can’t book out next week OMG haiz 2 straight weeks in camp, hope I can crap my way through LOL

Hope I can dun worry so much and sleep now LOL *brain logging off*
Signing off: Derek The Cute (LOL)

damn it man

2009-04-03T20:51:00.000+08:00

很好玩啊, 我早晚被你们玩死
I am so tired man, just got home and I get this shit WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!! THANKS AH MUM AND DAD, what a nice mood I am in now!

lose and gain

2009-03-28T03:38:00.001+08:00

I really do not know how much more I can take it, if my mum still doesn’t reflect and know what is going on then I guess there is nothing I and dad can do about it. I can only leave it to fate and see how things will turn out. We are really tired, stress and vex. Going to camp is an escape but it also meant that I cannot be there when anything happens, so is NS really a good thing, is it coming at a good time for me, because of NS my life is in a mess now, work, family, friends, NS, all coming in one shot.

I really do not know how long this family will hold on, it always seems ok after a while but in fact all the stuff are just being swept under the carpet and when it is overloaded all will be gone, there’s nothing I can do, there is only so much I am able to help. I am really at wits end, what should I do now? Is there anyone to support me, let me lean on and let me know I can depend on, a shoulder to lie on…. I feel like I am falling into a pit, a spiral that never ends, when I hit the bottom I will just fall again and deeper. I keep convincing myself when we gain something we lose something, in my case now I rather not gain and go back to the life before, I am sick of these stuff, I am not a super being, I am human, when I solve my parents problem who will back me up, where will my resting place be? All the while things has always ended on me, no one to help, no one to share, no one for me to hug and cry, I am so sick of it damn it.

So what if I can think well, so what if I am wise, so what if I have luxury, I do not even have the most basic thing, sometimes I am so sick of it I just want to escape cause there is really really nothing that I know how or what to do.

But once again, thinking of others and the less fortunate keeps me going, as I know I aint the worst out there, I am very lucky now, so I will push on, see how things will turn out, but I really want to have someone to be there for me……

I am still happy ^_^ (hopefully it’s true to my heart)

living onwards

2009-03-13T10:46:00.000+08:00

Living with my mum is a very tiring thing. Sickness package, cough, flu, migraine, time to medicate myself and hope I can take it till my block leave at home is over. Kinda like being in camp and not being home, a lot of troubles can then be unseen and will not happen, much peaceful. Had dream that I was talking to my friend bout life and all the random stuff, discussing things that I was worried about, guess when I worry for something or someone I tend to dream bout it, and there are lots of things that came true, but it’s not a prophecy, more like you know when you see it kind of image dream.

Well whatever it is, we have to move on, with or without burdens, sickness and aching aint bringing me down for work shall be my painkiller.

NS Chirstmas song

2009-03-11T09:00:00.001+08:00

Using Chirstmas song tempo to sing this:

On the first day of NS, my sergeant gave to me, a brand new FAD;

On the second day of NS, my sergeant gave to me, 2 garters and a brand new FAD;

On the third day of NS, my sergeant gave to me, 3 PT kit, 2 garters and a brand new FAD;

On the fourth day of NS, my sergeant gave to me, 4 number four, 3 PT kit, 2 garters, and a brand new FAD;

On the fifth day of NS, my sergeant gave to me, 5 BX, 4 number four, 3 PT kit, 2 garters, and a brand new FAD;

On the sixth day of NS, my sergeant gave to me, 6 candles, 5 BX, 4 number four, 3 PT kit, 2 garters, and a brand new FAD;

On the seventh day of NS, my sergeant gave to me, 7 core values, 6 candles, 5 BX, 4 number four, 3 PT kit, 2 garters, and a brand new FAD;

On the eight day of NS, my sergeant gave to me, 8 rounds of ET, 7 core values, 6 candles, 5 BX, 4 number four, 3 PT kit, 2 garters, and a brand new FAD;

On the ninth day of NS, my sergeant gave to me, 9 push up, 8 rounds of ET, 7 core values, 6 candles, 5 BX, 4 number four, 3 PT kit, 2 garters, and a brand new FAD;

On the tenth day of NS, my sergeant gave to me, 10 lights out, 9 push up, 8 rounds of ET, 7 core values, 6 candles, 5 BX, 4 number four, 3 PT kit, 2 garters, and a brand new FAD;

On the eleventh day of NS, my sergeant gave to me, 11B, 10 lights out, 9 push up, 8 rounds of ET, 7 core values, 6 candles, 5 BX, 4 number four, 3 PT kit, 2 garters, and a brand new FAD;

On the twelve day of NS, my sergeant gave to me, 12 bunk mates, 11B, 10 lights out, 9 push up, 8 rounds of ET, 7 core values, 6 candles, 5 BX, 4 number four, 3 PT kit, 2 garters, and a brand new FAD;

Nice song that MOHAWK platoon 2 came up with during our darkest day in field camp, sweet memories of my BMT life.

last post of love

2009-03-10T22:43:00.001+08:00

Well it's a beautiful lie, i had fun, i enjoyed, even in camp you were not out of my mind, guess being in camp meant i could not do anything at all and i guess i can only say, what i great time of my life this is. Thanks ah, i really appreciated that, dec 2008 was the best time of my life till so far.....

A level result day

2009-03-07T00:30:00.002+08:00

Well today is the big day for most of my NS friends, it's the A level results day, hope they all do well and get into a nice course in Uni. And thanks to them i got a early book out and get to really rest well today and probably this weekend. Well will be starting my block leave next week after my POC on tues.

Well prolly gonna work during the block leave too but not as hectic as the past few weeks where i got loads of stuff to clear in a short time limit. But oh well, i got through it and i survived haha. Really enjoyed my days in BMTC, it's gonna be a memory deep inside i wun forget, my friends, and stuff, all the shit and happy stuff we been through together, haha. Well compared to my A,Bs friends, my BMTC life can be considered a breeze and lala i am not complaining since i gonna most likely get a finger in my face if i complained and bitch bout my BMTC haha.

Well kinda fully figured out what i gonna do during NS service time and after that, and bulk of it would be work. At least it is gonna be a major part of my life and it keeps me going on, haha finally there's a purpose for me to do it. Well aint complaining either since there are people in worst situatution and more tiring than me, well always be happy for what i have and do my best, that will be all i guess.

Tomorrow am going to Vette's 21 bday party at aloha, hope to reunit with most my the C116-ers haha

same old thing: "Everyone stay happy ya! ^_^"

weekends during NS

2009-03-01T16:01:00.001+08:00

Fucked up weekend, stressed and tired but I am sure others are going through the same too but where can I release my stress and share my burden? Work work work and more work just hope it gets better in weeks to come. Mum’s crazy again, how much more can I take it? Anyway whats wrong with having a weak record of 0 ex, 0 gf, 0 club experiences and still a virgin? Isn’t it good? Well still thinking and dreaming of you, all the fond sweet memories.

feeling

2009-03-01T01:23:00.003+08:00

The feeling is still there, seems like i missed out alot and never able to catch up, detached. Well whatever now, i seems too tired to care anything now, dun know what to do now. Perhaps sad.

NS LIFE

2009-02-15T01:15:00.001+08:00

In NS, all chances to get something, ability to do things and opportunities that we can grab are all gone, we are totally cut from the outside, although we know news but we do not know what happen to our friends and family is short notice and that is no time to gather, so it slowly became distant, time is really short for us NSmen.

Sometimes I feel like I am doing things that I just feel like doing, without knowing if I should or not, just feel that as long as I did what I wanted I am not really worried bout the outcome. It has no reason, no explanation of any sort, just plain actions and nothing else, but things may not turn out well, but that is the very least that I can do, at least that is the only thing I can do. I can only do so much compared to others. I know others are others but somehow I have the urge to be better, I want to give the best out without asking for anything, but at time I think all I need is a little encouragement or sort that I could not really point out or say. Currently I just did what my instinct tells me, I do not care more.

I just want everyone to be happy, I dun mind being sad or what so ever but I want to see everyone happy not just those I know but also others, strangers, I wan to bring joy around me, to me, happiness can be spread, if one smiles at one, we would feel happy and problems lighter, I have been doing this all the while but lately I find it harder and harder to suppress my feelings and put on that smile, I guess my limits’ reaching and emotions getting the better of me. I am really tired, stressed but I know compared to a lot others I am very very very well off so I am not complaining just sometimes I wan to break down a bit, find a very special someone to share my problems and be there for her and let her share her problems and confide in me, wonder when it would be.

Listen to old songs, went to old places all the memories came back, I missed a lot of stuff, went to places today that held a lot of fond memories for us apparently, but it has all became the past, things are no longer the same, we no longer do the things we did, say the things we said, share the problems we shared, but well this is life, everything changes with no absolute but I really miss those times, it was a time when I can really make all my stuff disappear and care for only one thing, I really miss those times. But I know it can never be the same again, trying hard now, do not know how to now, just lost, scared, weary and tired, wish I can go back to the times back then where everything turned out so well without complications and obligations.

tea earphones

2009-01-26T20:17:00.000+08:00

Ok lol guys listen up: “I JUST DIPPED MY EARPHONES INTO THE TEA!!!!” haha I had no idea at first I just detach the earphone from my lappie and put it down on the table while talking to my dad. I then focus on my work and when I was about to take a sip of tea………. Just imagine seeing some weird stuff sticking out of your cup lol. So I wiped the earphones and had not used it till now (will I get electrocuted?)

flu knee work

2009-01-20T00:16:00.001+08:00

Went swimming with YS today, pool’s near empty, been quite sometime since I last saw a pool this free lol. Bought my mashed potato trying it now, not bad, its instant so it’s convenient for me when I am hungry and not to mention, tea! Haha mashed potato with tea is heavenly.

Well recently my knee’s old injury is acting up, the cap feels loose and it would give way when I am walking. The pain’s quite terrible when I walked too much, sorta like over strain the muscles, but still bearable ^_^. Working now, sob sob, GST period is here again, lucky for me the stuff is not as much as other companies so I can get it done pretty fast but there’s still things to be done lol wish everything’s automated yeah? Hehe

Well time files, in less than a week I will be saying bye to Singapore and Hello Tekong! Lol confine for 2 weeks there’s gonna be loads of people I gonna miss, lol hope I dun miss anyone too much cause that would be hard on me LOL joking only hehe. Flu’s getting worst, off to work and to sleep hopefully soon haha, gym’s tomorrow, haiz 1 more week of gym, gonna miss my weights loads T_T

Listening to: Handlebars

xian jie

2009-01-18T23:39:00.001+08:00

Finally met my xian jie after like 2 years? Lol anyway at least we get to meet up and catch up before I go in NS haha been like so long since I last saw her haha we chatted and shopped around but both of us didn’t really like crowds and we spent most of the time sitting, chatting and walking in big rounds to avoid crowds lol. Bought a shirt from topshop at bugis, being a new year clothes lol yeah only 1 shirt yes, cause I will only be spending 2 days of CNY outside and there after I am poof, gone haha.

And today met boon to shop and find printing shop for his NS poster, went to TM then to bras brasha complex to find the shop closed, so after I bought some black tape we went to peninsula plaza to look for a printing shop. Then we went to city hall and shopped at levis, now there’s this $50 rebate when you bring your old levis jeans back, sorta like a trade in, hehe time to bring mine there too wahahaha.

Finally bought some NS supplies 1 more week and I will be there, most of my stuff are solved, I guess everything could be done if one has no fear or hesitation to it since after all whats the worst thing that could happen? Death is the end, so that’s probably the worst scenario since you cant do anything after that, other than death, all stuff can be solved. Some things might not be solvable at that point in time but I believe time will show the way, chance is the most important thing, if you have a chance you can do anything. Everything will have a way of resolving, be it good or bad but we have to keep our cool in order to take the best step for everyone, once you lost your cool you have lost.

random thoughts

2009-01-15T01:20:00.001+08:00

Lol just got back from the office, bought coffee, nuggets, cheesecakes as supper haha so hungry after working, but oh well at least I finish everything up before the 16th so I will be free to take up any last minute stuff tomorrow or rather today to be exact lol.

Been thinking of lots of stuff lately that I cant get to sleep, I got to stop thinking and just move on I guess, haha anyway lost sleep today and slept for a measly 2hour and off to gym and to office where I finished up my work haha, sitting in front of com now slacking and enjoying coffee. I find tea to a nice drink to de stress, somehow tea helped me a lot I guess haha.

Random thought:
Have you ever wondered how it is like to feel the thrill of killing someone? Seeing the person beg for his or her life, thinking of how others will grieve their deaths, reminded on how someone out there is worried and pending for their return and depend on them? The thrill of killing someone and seeing other’s despair.

Lol random thoughts like these come to my mind once a while although not always in this genre and sick manner, things appear in my dreams too, just like I always do, gym and work does not help me get peaceful rest anymore now, got to find new ways I guess haha. Recently I find my sense of touch getting weaker, it seems that I am no longer as sensitive to touch as I was before and some sensitive areas have became numb too but it goes off after a while, haha guess must be the lack of rest lol.

Coffee, tea, coffee, tea, lol

solitary

2009-01-13T22:29:00.000+08:00

Having freedom is equal to being lonely, a solitary life is always good, not necessary that I liked that but it’s the only choice I have now. My problems are more or less solved, at least for now, it may just be buried but at least it settled, when it will arise I shall not think bout it yet. Leading a lonely life has been what I have done so far, but through out I have friends to support me, although I have done stupid things and lost some of them I simply can’t live without friends. Somehow I feel this urge to give, to give my time and concern to all my friends but as a human I can’t simply do everything nicely and perfectly but at least I do try my best. For now I believe my life will go on, answerable only to myself once again, I shall stay waiting till someone comes along and take me away. LOL the government is taking me away now hope everything turns out ok I wish for everyone’s happiness and health hehe touched? If u are please call 1800-DEREK-GOH to donate to his NS funds. Thank You for your kind support =D

stay happy

2009-01-13T00:02:00.000+08:00

Haha everything’s different now, never the same haha wonder if it’s for the better or worst but anyway life goes on still haha. Been gyming still as always and working as usual haha not much to do but there’s something I need to get done by the 16th so need to cut down on gym to finish off my work haha. Glad to still have my gym life, gym, talk, eat lunch, such a bliss for me, really missed my poly days well 2 more weeks and I will be in NS wonder how it will go, not really worried at all just perhaps there’s 1 or 2 oh well who cares haha. Anyway off to sleep now hehe EVERYONE STAY HAPPY YA, HAHA

8/1/09

2009-01-08T13:22:00.002+08:00

LOL well been working these past few days and gyming, not as much now cause my shoulder's abit aching lol been to accuputure, yes the one with needles and electri shocks LOL. It seems that my shoulder's more painful and aching more after it but well i can still gym so why bother LOL.

Going yo NS soon and i have yet to pack up my stuff guess i need to pull my together one day to put everything into place haha.

hope all is well

2008-12-31T01:08:00.001+08:00

Been on a bus ride back from CP, this bus is killing me, jerking all the way with hard brakes and stuff, my head is being spilt open and feel like vomiting, real bad feeling. Well been out for 2 full days with Monday being gym and work and tues being gym and outing. Well loads of stuff to clear at work but I almost got them done on Monday so I am free on tues to meet with Edwin, wanted to see you but I guess u wouldn’t want to see me yet but anyway looked him up at E2max at cine then had lunch and walked at orchard with him he bought books and a shoe bag lol I only got a Chinese novel, wonder how long it can keep me going?

Well been gyming these few days like a mad man, using high weights and putting together exercises I never done together before but well it made me felt real good and tired after all gym is my escape, my achievement, one thing I can be proud of. But my mind’s always been occupied. Well when I went shopping I kept being reminded of you no idea why but it seems that way.

Right now, sleeping is no longer an escape for me; I sleep because I am really tired and can’t get up due to tiredness, not escaping. Well these few days had been ok for me and I am coping well I wonder how you are doing, just want to do a shout out here that I will always be there for you, supporting you, I am not good with expressing my feeling so ya, I will be behind you all the way no matter what k? Hope your doing fine and hopefully everything can be back to normal, hope that I had not been ur sources of trouble, or rather an add on to your already piled up worries and stuff.

Well I guess I shall be happy still, no matter what life goes on, anything goes, so wish everything will be ok soon enough….

life

2008-12-26T22:42:00.001+08:00

Loads of stuff happened these few days and I have not been sleeping well lately, body is getting weaker and weaker I can feel it but well I am still hanging on well not that I will fall, I never did once fall, although I always wish I could, I wish I had someone to share my burdens, someone to fall back on but all the while I have been on my own, solving my own stuff and learning as I go on in life.

I finally tried the treadmill today and it is addictive, I had always been afraid of things and never tried but some times when chances comes you just have to embrace it haha anyway it was the longer gym session and toughest I had, I did all the weight beyond what I had done before my injuries and after, it’s just like I pushed myself up once again. And I spoke to Marcus bout friends and family, and it seems I got a load off my chest and I find myself once again living on friends and can’t do without it.

I would not say my family is fucked up, I would just say every family has their share of troubles and worries, and mine is part of it. Had a talk with dad 1 to 1 and I finally saw a lot of other things I had never saw, the things he think about, he feels about, and it seems the problems I thought we had, it just seems so few compared to all these unseen stuff. We in a way had condemned my mum, his wife, and there is nothing we can do. I just feel like right now she is of non existence and it’s the cause of a long term problem from back then till now and only she can solve it if she even comes to notice.

Talked to dad bout my future, and during NS I would have to still take care of the work, he told me he would try to push all the stuff to weekend and when I book out I can settle it for him, which he, would not let my mum handle, we had clearly forsaken her. I feel suddenly everything is weighing down on me and I have this burden once again than I once put down. You may think I will feel stress but I feel happy than I can do something for this house, for dad, and I feel useful, needed which is a feeling that keep me going and I keep seeking as a substance to keep me alive. When I have nothing, own nothing and do nothing I feel extremely useless and I just hate myself and feel inferior but when I have things for me I would feel happy.

I will continue to try for Uni admission for the next 2 years and hopefully I can get in, if not I have 2 options from there, one is to fully study a course that is related to my dad’s business and two is to part time study. I do not know the future but at least for now this is what I can do and what I can plan so far ahead.

Everyone has their own share of problems and things they cannot say or have to do no matter what, but my dad taught me to always think about others before we act, have I been doing it? Or have I been over doing it to an extend that I did not even think of myself, I just wanted the best for others and always neglected what I really wanted, I have never faced myself. I have been thinking, all the memories, all the things that happened, the feelings in it, the good and the bad, and as of now I faced myself and am clear of what I wanted, how I go about being myself, and I am waiting, are you sure of what you wanted?

What the future holds, I have to find out myself. Still hanging on hopefully everything turns out well.

Luvena

2008-12-26T03:46:00.003+08:00

Luvena,

First of all i would like to start by saying that i am not as good as many other guys out there, i may not be able to give you the happiness others are capable of but the one thing i can give is my heart, my absoulte care and concern.

I know i am going into NS and this is also part of my hesitation that i wun be able have the time for you, be by your side when u need me the most but i can keep you close to my heart and miss you every second.

I had already had engraved memories of us together and picture all the times we will be together in times to come, planning time and how to juggle time to meet u when i am in NS and i even thought of this coming valentines where i will be spending and how i will spend it with you. These are the very limited things i can do and there fore i feel bad and did not had the courage to tell you how i feel and let make you mine, but now for sure i have my one unconditional love for you and this one thing is superior to any other things in the world.

Through these times i have been closer to you, and i confirmed my feelings for you if not i will not be close to you and spend all my time with you, but at the same time i did not know your feelings towards me and all your friends did and the high material status of them had make me fell ten thousand feet down, all the more i did not had the courage to let you know my feelings, and it just made me feel i am just a kid once again a NSman who has nothing to compare nothing to fight for you, and had this immense fear of losing you and rejection which i dunno how much more i can take. So i have been dragging and dragging till i finally had the courage to want to tell you all these but things just happened in such a way that i lose all hope and confident to ask you that question, but i cooled myself and once again i know only one thing, deep inside i love you and i dun wan to lose this chance, no matter what i wan to be able to face myself and face you to offer you the simplest thing in the world: "my love for you" the only thing i am capable of giving now,
and so.....

will you be my valentine, my love? To let me be yours and you be mine?

To tell the whole world he loves her
Derek Goh who faced his heart signing off

mother

2008-12-23T20:52:00.004+08:00

I wish to say now that i have no mum but i cant, but in my mind my heart and my dad's we do not have one.

I just dun wish to go home, the feeling once again is suffocating.

I miss you, although i have lots of worries but when i see you all is gone, love ya ur my beloved

working

2008-12-09T02:12:00.004+08:00

lol working now and bored so took a break and have no idea what to do so i made milo and decided to blog lol. Did some petty cash work, work order claims and data entry, lol when i have stuff to do i find my life fulfiling although what i do isn't that much but at least i felt i have done something pehaps this could cure my insomia for today at least, haha who knows.

Anyway suddenly had the urge to go to raffles place and marina square at night to walk around, slack there and get a drink at some nice pub listening to music with someone. This though has always been there but i never got the chance to put into action but it seems lately this urge is getting stronger maybe cause i am going to NS soon? haha anyway really wish to be able to fully relax. YS is coming out from NS soon gratz and we can go swimming now haha

Back to work and still listening to lee hom's song not the lastest songs but the album "change myself" i guess so if i am not wrong :p my brain is getting bad too ha

Happy always
Signing off
"opps can't sign on screen, too bad"

work

2008-12-09T00:32:00.002+08:00

lol although i am retrenched i still need to work ironic isn't it? haha

damn

2008-12-03T21:26:00.001+08:00

To me now family is a big burden

I know that escaping does not help anyway but when one can't solve it, escape is the only way out

fuck everything thanks

2008-11-30T01:15:00.000+08:00

Once again I had found myself lost as I always did, well was looking back at my life I found myself really lucky cause I always seems to get through every single thing, from shits to shits after shits, well I KEEP telling myself I am fortunate cause there are a lot people out there who gone through worst and this is by far the only reason that keep pushing me and going on, nothing else mattered as this is the best reason I can find.

I used to had so much things to work for, in my poly days I started to find out what I wan to keep, what I want to work for but it’s only 3 years I have totally lost every single will and thing that I can work for, nothing is the same anymore. Even gym the thing that kept me alive has been losing its meaning to me, friends are detaching, family are useless all the way since secondary school, to me it’s a burden, at least to me, I have no will, no determination to do anything.

I do not know what is wrong but it seems my life had been like gaining things for a while and then losing it totally, well that’s life, this is what happens and I always feel like shit, every time I LOSE that thing even before getting it, all my efforts is thrashed even before I had to see the result. Guess shits happens always, what should I do now? I have no idea I am just lost, I am too lost, it seems I can’t find any comfort of any sort or anything that can make me feel better, teary eyes are for none and nothing this sense of emptiness is familiar yet scary at the same time.

What to do? Time to plan my next move and lose it before I can get on track? Still ok I guess still happy………. I guess

love

2008-11-13T22:13:00.001+08:00

Love can be a troublesome thing, that’s why I choose to be single, at least I am accountable to me alone and no one else, no objections, no commitments, no burdens, no care, no concern. Well with thing given we lost thing too, everything come and goes. I find care and concern in friends, love in friends, although it may not be the same but at least I got it and I am happy with the way it is so peeps out there dun worry for me, lol I dun need a date now, perhaps not so in the future since I am used to it and I know what I am doing so dun worry for me I will take care of myself haha I can tell things apart and I am answerable only to myself so I can make my own decisions and dun worry I am stronger and smarter than I look, I just hate problems, I tend to let them lie till it surfaces and unhide-able before I solve it. Of course other problems require different solutions, but at least for this lets just let it lie and let it be shall we?

Haha I am happy the way I am and I do know what I am doing and experiencing I aint stupid although I look like one, haha and I still like my poly nick the undefeatable cockroach haha I will NEVER DIE WAHAHAHAHAAHHA go on and send the radiations bombs to me!!!!

haloween

2008-11-01T00:22:00.002+08:00

lol today's halloween but it just seems like a normal day to me anyway haha well surprising today's gym is less crowded, alot alot less crowded than wed, lesser people ard, less CCAs i guess lol. But i saw Mr VJ today, lol he's playing scoccer at the sport complex field lol. Well chatted awhile with him, and back to gym lol 2nd day of night gym, not bad feeling and routine, love it when i come out of the gym and feel the nice night breeze, lol super duper nice.

life style change

2008-10-29T20:54:00.001+08:00

Some updates, I am switching my life style a little, and today’s the first day I switch and put it to test, so instead of morning gym follow by work, I went to work first then gym at night, now my working life has changed from half day to full day, at last I am really working and making the effort.

Gym in the evening is not as great, lots of people in the gym when I got there at about 630, but after my warm up the crowd more or less dispersed then the equipment are loosen up but still more people than the morning crowd but I got to finish all my routine in 1.5hr. The gym states that it closes at 8pm but I ended my whole gym session on 810 and the gym’s still open so I guess it’s cool.

Hopefully next week Marcus can join me in the gym then I would have a partner to talk to not as boring. LOL but night gym is good in the sense that there are more people, so not as lonely, and girls are more frequent at night times in gym lol and lots of CCAs guys and girls ard so not too bad after all haha.

So now apart from office works I also ferry workers ard to do “cases” referred to us by town council due to complains or officers spotting defect stuff. Lol maybe I can do a list of my job scope and stuff when I am bored haha so for now is work and gym at night this life style will last me all the way at least till I got into NS lol which is like 23456787654321234567 LIGHT YEARS away ARG…………………… ^_^

life changes

2008-10-19T22:58:00.001+08:00

Went CMPB for a check up on 16 oct so officially down pes to C1 and will go even further down when I go into tekong since I cant bear firearm as it involves a recoil on the collar bone. But whatever shall see things goes when I am.

Well sometimes I feel like I tend to say or do all the wrong things that might not be brought out at the correct timing or the right way and thus a different meaning is being deciphered and thus misunderstanding comes, well a life is full of these stuff and up and downs without any reasons or causes, just plainly a mood swing. But at times we do find ourselves in a position where we are totally clueless, sometimes all just seems meaning, nothing seems to work, and u just never know how to go about taking the next step.

Not just one person not just me but everyone has his own problems as I always said, it seems that life has progressed so much and in such a pace where sometimes we cant even fully understand or comprehend a phase of life and we are forced to move on, just like how machinery brought forward a change in production, we humans too are being mass produced to work, and our lives purpose is no longer to survive but how to make our life stand out, possessing status and shits. It seems this era isnt that great after all. How would this life progress, how would life evolved and change further?

Deathmare, state of emotionless, closes this chapter……

tired shit

2008-10-13T20:22:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I am really envious that people have their parents to turn to when they have trouble, to talk, to chat, to ask for advice and care and everything else they might need help on, but I do not. From young I grew up in secrecy, fear may be a factor but i just seem to keep everything to myself, all things except academic stuff. Even my primary school teacher knows this weakness of mine and use it against me it was like torture but how would I know at that age and I just thought everything was my wrong doing and I was naughty so I could not tell my parents bout it too, but it was in the past who cares now.

So I had been suppressing all my emotions, feeling, and troubles and almost everything I solved on my own of course not all is solvable nor is it solved in the most appropriate way but at any rate I am always on my own, friends are all I could lean back on and young as I was back then friends were only a way for me to release my anger and built up emotions, it was really bad then but we humans do grow, and through all these I grew and learn from all the stuff I did, all the stuff I solved right or wrong I learned. I even went to the extend that I have to teach others how to solve their problems while I myself seems to have no place to fall back on and can only depend on myself, I sometimes wish that this family be broken up since sooner or later it’s gonna break so might well be now.
Right now I am still alone moving on, but I do have friends around me now which is something I am glad of, but my major problem now cant be partitioned and it is linked with me where I go so I cant really break free or put it aside at all.

re-gym

2008-10-04T00:00:00.001+08:00

After nearly 3 months of recuperation, I have finally went back to gym haha so happy it’s like returning to homeland lol. Anyway went to gym at 830 jog a few rounds then started my normal routines lol didn’t dare to use heavy weights so I do light do slow and do less, so more or less everything went smoothly, better start slow and slowly train back to where I was before perhaps it will take months but at least I have this opportunity to come back to the gym I will have to grab it well, no more injuries and can’t push myself that much for now at least glad to be back.

Well lost track of poly terms and it happened to be their sem break, thus the gym was only me and a few guys, and the canteen is super empty, so I had my lunch and rested awhile before going to work aka be driver lol. So I drove workers around, more familiar with the roads now and more or less grab a few more basics on the stuff they do.

This 3 months had left me calm, relax and set me thinking bout what’s important, what I want to do, and how I want my life to turn out to be, so although my life of gym and driving is somewhat like last time before my injury, it’s in a whole new perspective, although I still hate driving lol but well if I have to do it next time might as well get used to it now.

So my life is officially back on track, gym work sleep and gaming lol and not to forget friends, loads of them lol so well at least it’s gonna be this way for at least a month or so and reminder for myself CMPB checkup on 16 oct thurs 830am lol so troublesome visited that place like 3 times now, haiz and that’s when I will know my enlistment date at least a few weeks after the checkup haha well off to sleep for now might have to drive again tmr haiz no 5 days work week for me haha

dreams

2008-09-29T14:25:00.005+08:00

well never been blogging for like ages, yup not realy that busy but just lazy to come up and blog, after all sleep is more important but recently dreams are getting weirder and weirder, most recent one is that i dreamt of my sis and i having a normal dinner then we started having some bets and stuff, pretty blur and unclear but after that i dreamt of my sec school teacher, i was attending her class and have to go off halfway, and then i ended up in some weird lift, had a quarrel with some delivery man and then out of no where pop out my poly school friend. Been having weird dreams but more often "main actor and actress" are YS FQ LUV yup, dun really know why, but kind of interesting to decode and recall your dreams after you woke up

been having weird dreams and vision of the future, had experiences before visions that u never know wat it is till u actually experience it and suddenly u just recall kinda like a dejavu or something.

enuf of dreams, am going NS check up this oct 16 so for some of u guys reading who still dunno, i am still officailly a civilian, hair still attached to my head lol and prolly wun be going in till next year when all my friends are mostly POP-ed well haha. Better not sleep that much or weird dreams are gonna come knocking again

wisdom

2008-09-29T14:25:00.001+08:00

There is lots of wisdom of life that are being told around, but no one truly understands it unless they experienced it. A lot of problem can’t be told or expressed via conversation, it can only be felt and known only when they are in the shoes, so why bother telling so much or trying to let others know how much we are going through and experiencing? Everyone has their fair share of problems anyway, so why add to others problem with your own? Keep it to yourself may as well be the best option if you’re not in need of advices or help, or perhaps, it can’t be helped.

Suddenly I realized that gym could be my only escape and now that I have lost this escape I felt like I am really just sitting there doing nothing. Perhaps it could be due to me not trying hard enough but it seems that this period of time till I get into NS is very hard to fit myself into anything or any commitment.

Ps. Anyone know of any shooting range in Singapore or any shooting classes or lessons or sort please inform me thanks loads.

persona type

2008-08-15T01:53:00.001+08:00

http://www.ipersonic.com/test.html haha found this from my friends blog try it lol if ur free and have time to spare my results are as below haha

Harmony-seeking Idealist (HI)

Harmony-seeking Idealists are characterised by a complex personality and an abundance of thoughts and feelings. They are warm-hearted persons by nature. They are sympathetic and understanding. Harmony-seeking Idealists expect a lot of themselves and of others. They have a strong understanding of human nature and are often very good judges of character. But they are mostly reserved and confide their thoughts and feelings to very few people they trust. They are deeply hurt by rejection or criticism. Harmony-seeking Idealists find conflict situations unpleasant and prefer harmonious relationships. However, if reaching a certain target is very important to them they can assert themselves with a doggedness bordering on obstinacy.Harmony-seeking Idealists have a lively fantasy, often an almost clairvoyant intuition and are often very creative. Once they have tackled a project, they do everything in their power to achieve their goals. In everyday life, they often prove to be excellent problem solvers. They like to get to the root of things and have a natural curiosity and a thirst for knowledge. At the same time, they are practically oriented, well organised and in a position to tackle complex situations in a structured and carefully considered manner. When they concentrate on something, they do so one hundred percent - they often become so immersed in a task that they forget everything else around them. That is the secret of their often very large professional success.As partners, harmony-seeking idealists are loyal and reliable; a permanent relationship is very important to them. They seldom fall in love head over heels nor do they like quick affairs. They sometimes find it very difficult to clearly show their affection although their feelings are deep and sincere. In as far as their circle of friends is concerned, their motto is: less is more! As far as new contacts are concerned, they are approachable to only a limited extent; they prefer to put their energy into just a few, close friendships. Their demands on friends and partners are very high. As they do not like conflicts, they hesitate for some time before raising unsatisfactory issues and, when they do, they make every effort not to hurt anyone as a result.

Adjectives which describe your typeintroverted, theoretical, emotional, planning, idealistic, harmony-seeking, understanding, peace-loving, sensitive, quiet, sympathetic, conscientious, dogged, complicated, inconspicuous, warm-hearted, complex, imaginative, inspiring, helpful, demanding, communicative, reserved, vulnerable

These subjects could interest youliterature, philosophy, psychology, music, meditation, writing, yoga, art, astrology, drawing/painting, spiritual things, handicrafts

anyway felt like i changed from my last personality test LOL

shooting range

2008-08-14T02:01:00.000+08:00

There is lots of wisdom of life that are being told around, but no one truly understands it unless they experienced it. A lot of problem can’t be told or expressed via conversations; it can only be felt and known only when they are in the shoes, so why bother telling so much or trying to let others know how much we are going through and experiencing? Everyone has their fair share of problems anyway, so why add to others problem with your own? Keep it to yourself may as well be the best option if you’re not in need of advices or help, or perhaps, it can’t be helped.

Suddenly I realized that gym could be my only escape and now that I have lost this escape I felt like I am really just sitting there doing nothing. Perhaps it could be due to me not trying hard enough but it seems that this period of time till I get into NS is very hard to fit myself into anything or any commitment.

Ps. Anyone know of any shooting range in Singapore or any shooting classes or lessons or sort please inform me thanks loads.

change blog skin

2008-07-30T02:41:00.001+08:00

Ha ha finally a change in blog skin, saw this really nice skin on da net and decided it’s time to change since I am quite bored by the previous old skin. Been looking for music to go with this skin but it seems hard to find nature music online, so if anyone knows where to find do let me know haha

Well insomnia’s back to find me and been having really bad migraine probably due to lack of sleep or perhaps over sleeping? Either way my irregular sleeping habit is making my migraine worst. Really sad that I cant gym now, but been going jogging at nights, dun know why but at least exercising makes me feels better and happier, maybe I will try to do pushup next week but still am afraid of my arm’s not fully healed yet so guess I will see how things goes before deciding.

Well filed GST just now, some minor problems due to singpass account being locked and stuff but eventually everything is solved and done, more stuff to be done tomorrow but well nothing much to worry about.

As for NS, this is a little update; I will have to go for my medical checkup again on 16 Oct at CMPB anyone wanna accompany me? haha anyway my enlistment will most likely be around December or January next year so when I see my C116 gang again I will most likely have my head still intact and still free from NS when they are having POP lol guess it’s like “I am so slow” but anyway this time is for me to settle the office stuff since it’s still a mess and my mum’s not too good at handling yet, so I have to be there well hope everything sort of settle down soon but either way I am still relaxed with no stress at all ^_^ dun really know where all the stress came from but oh well gotta stop thinking about the future and life after NS haha

Off to sleep, migraine is bad for your health lol and bad for my head haha pain pain pain ow ow ow

dislocate

2008-07-08T22:03:00.002+08:00

ytd i had a dislocation of my shoulder and i went to SATA hospital at chai chee to get an x ray taken as it was the closest to my venue of accident

as there was alot of patients around and most of them are china workers having a body checkup. my mum went up to the counter to talk to the person in charge and wished to take an x-ray but the person refused saying that we have to let the doctor have a look at me before i was allowed to take an x-ray.

but as the pain was really quite unbearable and i asked the counter if it was possible to get a faster que number and get an x-ray taken so i could seek medical consultation.

i waited for a full hour and pehaps more and finally went and negotiated with a kind hearted patient to let us see the doctor before he does so i could get an x-ray done.

we went in to see the doctor: Dr. Lim Chang Song
the first thing he said when he saw me was:"u cannot jump the que" and told me that only patients with heart attack can jump the que, i had an anterior inferior dislocation of the shoulder joint and he refused to even take a look and asked me to get out.

i wonder if it was really that hard to take an x-ray to see what was wrong with my shoulder? the entire part was out of place and the pain is quite unbearable but no help was offered to me when i am already at the door step, are doctors that unflexible? so if a car accident were to happen outside of his clinic he will just walk by and say:"only heart attack patient gets my immediate help"?

lol in the end i took an xray at tampines 138 and went to a chinese sensei to fix back the bone, lol dislocated for 3hrs or more lol, muscules are pain and aching now haiz super sad i cant gym now.....

42nd

2008-06-24T19:22:00.002+08:00

Been almost a month since i blogged well, sorta busy with work and gym and not to mention, sleeping haha. Well for 3 days now i have been a red lobster, lol sunburnt and skin is dropping off guess it's healthy to shed skin once a while haha.

Anyway life's been more or less the same for me, 1,3,5 gym and standby work for all days cept full day on sat well sunday's a standby too haha well when it's family work, there's no time to it lol not that i get to grumble anyway, i got a free life haha, pretty free i would say unless the phone rings *bites fingers* haha

Anyway been driving for quite sometime now, couple of stuff to update on my driving:
1) i have yet to perfect my lorry drift
2) i have just received the TP letter for rushing a red light almost a month back(12 points gone)
3) i have filed a report for accident

well it's a minor accident that a car was illegally parking at the corner of a one way street. and so to get out of the place i have to turn to my right to the street but his car's back was out so much that i could not make a clean turn out and so ta da to my anticipation our car grazed LOL! and just nice, he walk out wooo! magic man haha

his 2 friends, 1 lady one guy, took picture of the graze lol and FYI the driver was a malaysia, i think he might be a PR? but anyway we settled it and drove off and over the few days we filed our own report and now? haha we wait for the result. lol i guess i will lose the case ba lol dunno lar lazy to think haha

been so long now my house has been a crazy place lol except when i am alone thats peace man, but anyway more or less used to it i guess, sometime hope i would get into NS earlier to escape but well its nice to stay out too haha so i can still enjoy. haha life's always full of contradictions, lies, remose, regrets, ect. lol.

12 points gone!!! sob sob

41st

2008-05-22T23:31:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow is the graduation, I aint going lol like most people do haha anyway its really not my kind to attend such stuff haha but will still be meeting my classmate for some catching up and lunch perhaps? Haha

Well been working lately, and it is really work not like what I used to be slacking around in office doing data entry and anything that comes my way, now my time is more used up and I am more tired haha, at least that is what I like I guess, hate slacking around, just wanted to be useful. Anyway I just ferry my dads worker around, the main area is hougang follow by bedok reservoir and tampines. Still not used to the roads but more or less know vaguely where those places are haha, also I mastered the art of gliding aka free wheeling and I am a fierce driver, 100++ km on express lol dun have to slow down on hump and strips, cut lane like no cars around, in short, anyhow drive when there is no traffic police, there is no law haha, anyway lorry is damn jumpy man, haha but anyway apart from driving around I still do the usual, office work, and gym still haha that is part of me now, lol

Talking bout gym, it is sad that teckie is not with me anymore due to his accident haiz I gonna miss him, now my only spotter is marcus and occasionally sayet or how to spell his name haha but well after june, I wun have any spotter anymore since they will be in NS lol sadly I have to wait till September man, super long lar. But anyway anyone reading do come gym to pei wo leh haha if not damn boring alone and so:

Date: mon wed fri
Time: start 9-10 end 12-1
Venue: TP gym

Haha that is all I have to go sleep now terrible headache man, it seems like an old friend now visiting me every now and then haha

40th

2008-05-11T23:57:00.000+08:00

Worked quite late ytd went to a lot of places to cover cases, its like choke here and choke there, then pipe burst lol anyway went to prima around evening with dad and his workers since there is a lot of tools and materials to be brought over.

It was really late after they unloaded the stuff and I went for dinner with my dad and bought them packet dinner lol. The prima pipes were crazy, the pipes were damn heavy and thus hard to change, it was dude to the harden grease in the pipes if anyone saw them before, its like bricks that are like white in color, deformed too lol, it made the pipe weigh 3 times heavier lol damn heavy to lift man, well at least all went well and we got back to store around 12 am haha and my sat is burned like that, haiz time to get a psp for gaming outdoors liao haha tmr working too T_T when dad ask me to work haiz no choice liao, haha dunno if NS will be any better? Haha

39th

2008-05-09T22:10:00.001+08:00

New routine for today, and perhaps for days to come till I am in NS I guess.

Summary: lol
1) went with dad to the workers dorm to pick up a lorry and then process to store
2) brought workers to tampines blk 861 to ferry rocks and dump them at blk 7++ lol took 2 trips
3) drove to school for gym
4) drove back home to have lunch 10min
5) drove to 861 to ferry workers to hougang and went to 2 places before going back to store
End of day

Lol anyway this is the first time I drove for so long and over such long distance and alone lol sort of like “graduated” from driving lol. It was after I drove ys luv and fg the other night back that my dad trusted me to drive alone since I brought the car back home in one piece (HAHA) anyway guess this sort of routine/work will continue for sometime, well as usual not that I liked it but no choice, dad is short on drivers so I have to help out lor, free labor too but daily expenses provided.

My free time are burned except for gym, gaming is at night but mostly too tired le, lol a switch from computers, projects to driving and out of office style lol not bad a change just that I find driving tiring and apart from driving I have nothing to do le haha guess I will need to apply for tpga soon since my enlistment is on Sep 12, still long to go leh haiz lol anyway that is all for the day off to game lo haha….. on second though, perhaps to sleep le haha and Happy mothers day to all mothers and mothers of my friends haha

38th

2008-04-28T23:27:00.000+08:00

Have I relaxed too much or have I never relaxed at all? I am in a dilemma, problems at my parents company that has been brought home and rocking my entire world upside down, it seems that my parents or rather my family cannot separate work and home, I guess not when we are all together at work and home, it seems to be brought around from home to work and back home, everything is chaos and tiring, I am very tired, it has always been, nothing bothers me most except for relations be it personal or interpersonal, cause its never just you, it all of us, everyone is part of it and has to be cared, considered and concerned for. I have always been able to clear up things even the worst things so far and I have considered this my strength and to make up for all the weakness I have but as of everyone, there comes a time when everything fails, when nothing seems to work and one is just totally clueless as to what to do or what will happen. We all look yearn for someone to share our burden, to walk this life with us, we all want company for we are social beings, but as always with hope there will be hopeless, and with dreams there will be broken dreams, its never a “what we want will happen world” to begin with, there’s always 2 opposites as with how the world is built upon, but still there will always be a way, hope all will turn out well and cleared up soon, I am too tired and even if I hang on there’s nothing I can do but if I let go then all will be gone, I guess I dun have a choice do I?

Always let’s end on the lighter side of life, finally continued gym session and wow 9am+ near 10 there is only 4 people in gym, and I know all of them haha, and as usual Mr. Cat did not turn up, anyway after gym was household chores session lol and abit of gaming and off to nap till 5+ lol got bball at 6 nearly overslept luckily my phone rang lol it was random but nice nevertheless haha so meeting a friend on fri for dinner haha and bball today was fun as always haha tmr is work, well hate it but whats to be done must be done no escaping haha so ya ^_^

37th

2008-04-27T01:58:00.001+08:00

Went out with luv and fq today to tm to have dinner and ys isn’t ard cause he went sailing with his navy thingy lol omg luv my dear mei can u like take care more? Lol sleep more lar dun always chiong and let me sleep on ur behalf lol anyway being with them is great and fun, full of laughter and makes me forget everything haha but they are all so busy lar rarely meet up de lo lol anyway ys birthday coming up haha prepare prepare.

Music and songs has always been my soulmate, when everything else is gone, when I am left with nothing music has always been there for me, at least I am not totally alone. Met ros and chong lin ytd on the way to work haiz dun even know what to blog, seems totally tired and gone, cui sia haiz anyway sep 12 830 going to NS le some updates….. so tired and emotionless le not like anyone reads anyway

36th

2008-04-14T02:53:00.001+08:00

My problem now is just family, simple but taxing that disrupts my entire life only makes me lose more hope and taking away from the already very little things that I lived for now it seems that there is nothing more, as always nothing keeps me going but I will look for one to push me on, if one thing or reason is lost I will look for replacement but now my options have ran so dry that I am only dragging myself on. I no longer feel alive just like years ago the feeling of despair, utter despair that I can no longer handle. I have been pushing myself, living on for the slightest things I can think for but now all seems to be lost I cant seems to continue how I used to lived and I cant seems to be able to leave this world, once again I am really tired and sick of it. When we have nothing we risk losing nothing and when we have it we will lost it on matter how hard we strive to keep it. Living in solitude is the best and what I can live easily in, not what I wanted but it is what I can have as life when I start working I will be, as a matter of fact I am in solitude now, I dun wan to think anymore I dun wan to care I am too tired too unreal that I totally lost my hopes, myself, my dreams, my passion, my love for life…. It is all gone now all gone.

I am someone who cant take anything I am weak I am not what I pretended or wanted to be, I am fragile for once at least, everyone has one moment where he or she wants to be cared for, embraced, feel secure, a simple thing can solve the largest of problems, something really simple can make a person hang through the toughest of time. As of now I dun really know what to do or how to solve, not like I always used to be, for now I am totally collapsing, falling, and never had the strength to climb up or rather I dun even want to climb up for nothing, I rather stay laying down, sleeping, and escape, and run away since I have nothing to live for now, everyday just pass being the same, just pass without meaning, without satisfaction, without anything…. I do not know what to say now, my life has just too suddenly became alone, that I can’t adapt, truly the times in poly was the time I lived best, not necessary that I am myself but at least I know that is what I wanted, not being myself makes me feel great, it keeps me going, people around me keeps me going, it is those simple stuff that kept me going on, but now all is lost, back to being myself, back to time when no one is around me to keep me going, like a jet plane without fuel, bound to fall from the sky into pieces if not 1 piece….. falling down, will my pieces of puzzles become even more shattered and even more complex that it will never be complete? The last piece is never there and I had already accepted but now the whole thing is crumbling, can u understand the feeling when everything u worked so hard to put together is lost, from nothing u strived to pick up the pieces and then all of a sudden u lost the meaning of piecing the puzzle and it seems to be falling apart….

35th

2008-04-07T00:28:00.001+08:00

Still can’t seems to sleep its 4am now but I can’t sleep no matter how hard to try to, I just flip around, feeling stressed up and suffocated, like I am being held down and burdened, not sure why but I think it’s partly cause of my undetermined life and future, apart from NS I have nothing more in life, not even having the slightest clue as to what I am going to do after NS, I dun really like to work in the office and taking over my dad’s work is not exactly what I would like to do either, I want to make my own mark and should I fail, it ain’t gonna be much cause I started with nothing either, but for taking over, it ain’t the case anymore. Anyway I am really bored and my mind just wonder off at night when I am not asleep, I feel so terrible every time, music ain’t gonna help me much nowadays, its just eating me from inside out, goal in life, aims and reasons to life is that much important, as of now I gave up my only aim and I sort of left with nothing to go for.

Work in the office is just the same data entry, turning all stuff into digital excel sheets and print them out, not much to do either, and just keying and keying, no basketball recently too, no trips out, and I dun really got a lot of event and I am not exactly the kind of person who will ask people out even though I want to lol just don’t know why, guess I dun know what will happen on the day, lots of stuff just come randomly, anyway busy lifestyle is good provided it has a meaning to it, mine has no meaning now, just wanna sleep, sleep and sleep to escape, to be peaceful, to sleep my mind off so I think of nothing, future all froze and let me sleep, let me rest, I know I rest too much but I just want to rest more, I just wish to rest till I know what I want and suppose to do in life, till I can get my goals, my aims, my life’s purpose.

Uni ain’t gonna get me in, so after NS it’s a void, have no plans, no aims, totally lost, even right now I am lost, and no one to lean to, no one to depend on, no one really to calm me, to make me feel secure, I just felt like I am drifting endlessly, no one to hold me, I guess we are all drifting, everyone’s busy themselves no one can spare that time to hold you, to secure you, we’re just dun have the time and effort, we have our own stuff. I just want to help people, make people feel secure, help them find their life’s purpose and dependant but sometimes I just feel that I am doing what I really want others to do for me, and I really want to be that dependant and to find a dependant.

Life’s full of contradicts, suppressions, delusions, emotions, anyway I am just ranting to waste my time away since I can’t sleep, gonna upload this entry tmr since I have no connections now as I just wanted to be alone, cut from the outside world, I just want to be alone, in solitude, and away from everything to leave my worries and thoughts aside to be free for this one moment, although not forever we all need to face reality as long as we live….. unless we cease to exist….. living in a world of my own now, a dead world, where nobody is around, where eternal peace is not a dream…. Silent screaming no one can hear, I will return to reality, soon, I guess, I have to, although I wish not to….. let me stay here a while longer before I return, I don’t really want to, I dun want to….. I just dun wan to! I DUN WANT TO RETURN TO REALITY!!!!

Being always happy is just not possible, but at least that’s what I can make others see and believe, period, vexed despaired dun worry bout me, doubt anyone will, or at least not many would. Ended in darkness at 430am April 6. Despair will turn to hope…hopefully

34th

2008-04-03T00:22:00.000+08:00

Wanted to sleep at around 10 but was called to play dota lol so tired, I have been working and training like a mad man, total forcing, pushing myself to the limit, so tired lar, gym is self torture, I am losing weight le so I guess I need to start eating and sleep in regular times or I will continue to lose weight sad lor.

Lol, bought lots of food to stock at home, been sleeping like mad too due to the tiredness lor but I guess it is also partly I dun wan to wake up, cause once I wake up I need to face reality lol, and lots of stuff to face, do, settle, all the humane stuff in short lol. Sleeping is my best escape I guess and it is beneficial to the body too

Anyway finally found the song Liberi Fatali from FF 8 the starting is great mysterious and full of suspense lol, made it my ringing tone now lol, doubt I get to “show off” in school like in the past but nvm, haha as of now I am feeling faint, body’s ain’t too good lately not sure why but feel like I will collapse anytime, can’t even stand still when I am outside but nvm, with rest and food and dun worry/think so much I guess I will be back lol after all I am the undieable cockroach of C116 and forever happy lol guess that’s gonna be my motto for the rest of my life.

Before I go off, aw feeling faint man, gonna wish Serene and Carel and Pei Qi a Happy Birthday, not sure who else is a april baby but these are the few I know now and of course Edwin’s Birthday coming up too I wun forget de haha so yuppie cya all

[There’s nothing to worry, I shall be waiting as I do not know what to do]

33rd

2008-03-27T01:24:00.001+08:00

Lol not sure if it was the bench press but my left wrist is hurting on and off like rheutism or how u spell it lol, not that unbearable but hurt enough to stop me from what I am doing lol, guess it will go off in a couple of days haha also my ankles hurting when I sort of like make it bend or something lol seems like some ancient injury ba lol so many ancient injuries haha I cannot remember liao at least my arms ok, lol that the one thing I fera the most haha.

Anyway same old life for me to those who read and wants to know, lol I am going down to my parents’ office everyday like say 1+ or 2+ to help out, and I would either gym or sleep in the morning lol then I will work till like 6-8+ before going home with my mum haha. FYI, the office only got me and my mum and the other room only got 1 girl call Cindy that’s all, so it’s not exactly that fun and enjoyable, still prefer those service line cashier work, or those in factories or industry where there is lots of interaction and chatting lol seems more fun with people around haha but anyway I am not complaining since the timing is up to me, very free and easy lol

So ya guess this shall be my life at least till NS starts and after NS I shall see what are my choices ba either work or take over ba lol either way, its for survival lol same goal different way lol

Percentage of life 50-50% black and white, I still stand in the hidden 1% grey lol off to sleep cya all who reads my death story lol

32nd

2008-03-24T20:28:00.001+08:00

Lol some fun stuff in gym today lol bench press is dangerous lol just today I got stucked under the bench press lol pratically no strength to push it back up and I end up stucked lol lucky for me marcus’s friend is nearby so there’s help haha. Guess i will need more sleep and not force myself too much haha. Well not normal that I will force so much but anyway I did it today haha feeling is great lol but getting stucked is not such a great feeling guess I better get people to support me everytime haha.

Well wanted to pool today with boon but ended up with no news haha so yeah guess it’s scrapped lol so the usual gym and work day lol tried calling the singnet to upgrade my company’s broadband but it too forever to speak to the customer service officer so we decided to go down directly to the shop one of these days ba guess it will be much faster? Haha

Freaking tired today slept on bus and missed the stop super duper far lor have to backtrack haha and is like so bloody beat the whole day guess not enough sleep plus forcing self limit can be life threatening LOL!! But the alien cockroach will never die!!! Haha so I guess I am officially giving up NAFA and going in earlier to NS lol wonder where I will be posted haha hopefully some eng eng post can sit all day cross leg and relax de lol that will be great!!

31st

2008-03-22T02:18:00.000+08:00

Been doing nothing much lately just work and play and sleep and eat haha and been playign basketball quite often now haha. Work is so boring just settle some formats, key stuff into excels, arranged the stuffs in order and make some calls out to apply lines from singtel and stuff, boring stuff, dun really like work like this but well, since I am asked to work lol I shall work till NS then haha after NS also dunno what to do, bloody sure I ain’t going to Uni due to some dis-glamorous academic performance of the past lol! Sounds so sophisticated, haha. Well not sure when my NS will be haha guess I can only wait ba lol.

Oh and about today haha, went out to toa payoh to eat dim sum at some fortunate restaurant, well main reason for this meal is that apparently my auntie and my grandma had a “cold war” or something and need to get it solved lol and it somehow mobilized the whole family and became an event or equivalent lol well guess everything turned out fine and we are off home lol! Anyway received quite a few missed call and one of it is Edmund lol I call back u never pick up, sms never reply, msn u say one sentence and then never reply liao haha till now I dun even know why u call me! lol if I never pick up phone or phone’s off do drop me a sms lol this goes out to all my friends haha cause my phones abit bonkers nowadays keep off-ing automatically crazy phone haha anyway it’s off to sleep, lets all count the days to NS lol and good luck to all my females friends in finding jobs lol some of you already found haha congrats lol.

Suddenly feel like commitment is not really that important since without it we can have multiple dates and choices? Lol learnt from my mei de LOL well once again responsibility is the word lol promise only what you can give and not give lesser and lesser and expect more and more lol

30th

2008-03-16T23:22:00.002+08:00

Settled some stuff in the morning lol then went on to meet luv, ys and fq for our outing lol, long time no see man, it's been like ages, really miss u all haha anyway we went to marina square and had BREEKS as dinner lol was really full haha, then we walked around in suntec, went to toy r us lol had some lame funs haha really wish we had all the time of the world together man, all worries just disappear. And congrats to fq for finding a job lol though it's a temp it's a good start haha and didn't know my mei got such a happening love life lar haha seems like I dun need to worry liao theres bound to be someone to look after her lol !!! more like i will be alone than her lol anyway this is the only time we went out that we did things other than pool or mahjong or dai dee or arcade lol, we are getting guai leh. We shop around, spent majority of our time at bookstores lol and I bought a book haha (becoming a geek soon) lol a pity we did not slack at mac but nvm haha that was some great time man, buying stuffs walking around, shopping, chatting lol

29th

2008-03-13T03:19:00.000+08:00

Haha after a chat with you know who, if ya reading, I guess at least I am always right, my instinct since young on matters like this has never failed me, as much as I want to deny, it’s been a fact, yes, sour sour, fearful feeling, everything, happened so many times I thought I could take it but each time, I just couldn’t. Its nothing much, but I admired the courage, the braveness, the ability to really follow your heart.

I just find no courage to move on anymore, each time it’s just slamming walls, I am too tired for it, guess it’s really time for me to wait, as I had been doing all these years, but nvm, for I am grained to be such a person. Happy go lucky

Thinking back all these years primary, sec, poly, poly has been the greatest of my life, great friends, great life, great stuff happening, and it was also the time I made the most progress in life, I have became the person I wanted to be, happy go lucky, serious when needed, nothing more than bringing joy to people and covering own sadness, much more than a clown, the heartache behind the smiles, a lot of things will and has changed, it shall never be the same, but for a fact, I know I have been though it, i might have lost at times, but at times I won, through the help of all my friends, I really do miss poly life, and I continue to search for the fill for the emptiness of my life…..

Well after all I am a cockroach haha, I will never die, azri hor? Lol u said it. Haha so I shall fly around haha, anyway been working at my dad’s office lately, on a halfday basis, go down clear some account stuff, data entry, checking and stuff, need to settle the company’s stuff then I think I will be free to go work, frankly I dun really like to work for my parents, it’s just different, I wan to really work by myself to achieve something by myself but my dad finally asked: “ why not you take over me?” the question I have been thinking so long, right now I am helping out, but I feel no achievement, I wan to do something hard, to win, to achieve, to have this self fulfilling feeling, the self accomplishment, guess after NS I might take over my dad, I have to see how….. lol I keep wanting to be happy, to cheer up but without anyone around, I can’t cheer up, at least I find no reason to do so, anyway I will not affect anyone so heck it, but at least once this day, after so long, I finally smiled once, it wasn’t anything special, just a starter msg on msn, to really say it, I really did smiled, for no reason it just made me smiled…. Well to move on in life, haha lets all move on, jia you till the day we die, forever dun exist, so for anything, it’s till the day I died…..

28th

2008-03-10T03:01:00.000+08:00

Lol I am linking some blogs I am reading without their permission hope I wun get chased around and killed by them haha, going to add more link in time to come lol anyway been viwawa-ing made some friends over at viwawa haha even though they say I got a evil face, fierce look, scary face, they still made friends with me lol, guess I am not as evil mah lol I am actually cute inside leh haha played with Edwin on viwawa lol taught me some mahjong TAIs rules and stuff lol although I still not too sure haha still a noob at mahjong lol

Haiz still the same problem, sleeping late, can’t sleep till at least 3am, better now been changed to 2am, lol and still sleep till like a pig if theres nothing on or no one calls me, lol I guess I have fulfilled my dream of sleeping 3 full days after sem end lol guess I am sleeping too much, haiz someone wake me up!! Lol jio me go out in the early morning lol guess gym’s still the best way haha

This mas selamat guy who escaped lol, if he can start a war then that’s great, since we can all start to kill, but if he can’t then I guess it’s better to turn himself in, so my army friends can come out more often to rest, lol sad haven’t seen my YS, LUV, FQ and LIT for so long le haha anyway lets all come out again wahaha and omg my dream sequences are all coming back!! I am going crazy with all those creepy, no sense dream and some future dreams lol, bet u guys never know that I have dreams of the future that came true bah aha happened for so many times I am used to it lol I am one creepy guy haha

27th

2008-03-08T22:22:00.000+08:00

Lol this blog ain’t gonna be a place for me to rant only haha, not only sad things or great things to blog there’s also normal stuff to blog lol. Some boring stuff, well practically did nothing much same old life jogging, gymming, swimming, lol go out and eat haha and was forced to drive sob sob T_T dun really like driving leh prefer to sit back and relax haha recently played viwawa lol although not a MMO RPG but nvm at least can relax abit have fun ahah and I cannot play CABAL due to dunno wat problem com restart and CABAL auto close dunno why also T_T sob sob. Haha well anyway wan to basketball soon soon haha ytd some C116 peeps flew off to japan well nv send them off haha wish them bon voyage haha

Come tag tag tag me so so so i can see see see you all haha

26th

2008-03-03T03:25:00.000+08:00

Is it only when I am needed that I am thought of? At times I feel like this, at times we felt like this, sometimes it’s just that simple, a simple chat, a bit of caring is all that makes one feel alive, felt loved. I sometimes would feel bad, but that’s just me, we all have our bad times, we all want times to be alone. But I always want time for people to be with me, to care for me, to stay with me and not ask for help or complain to me the moment a conversation starts, well not that I hate that it’s just that sometimes I have problems of my own, and sometime I just feel that I am carrying all other peoples burden on top of my own, I just felt suffocated, felt sad, felt so cramped up. Yeah I like to solve people’s problems, like to talk to people, consol people, and to make them feel happy and alive, this is what I want others to be. I have experienced those before I dun wan others to experience the same, I have been trying hard to help out but in doing so I felt like I am falling deeper, I feel empty, emptiness in me, a void that desperately needs to be filled. I have been dragging myself for too long now, until now I guess I am reaching a limit, but I hate to bother others with my problems, and it’s nothing to begin with, guess it’s just accumulated stuff that have been weighting me down, after all we all have our problems, to liberate others and not to add onto others…. Just so tired, will someone just accompany me for just a while…. Moment of silent can be serene but it can also be scary….

Sucked into emptiness

25th

2008-02-29T22:56:00.001+08:00

First of all OMG I seriously need help, I am sleeping like mad 2 days ago I slept at 12am which is pretty early for me cause I normally sleep at 3am so it’s great I tot that my body clock is switching back but…… I slept till the next day’s 5pm!!!! Damn it’s a full 17hrs sleep and woke up was super shock, I was fucking shock beyond words. Neck damn pain head damn pain body super stiff haiz need to have appointment or someone needs to call me up man…….. will someone nice morning call me? Lol

Anyway today’s the 29th of Feb, rare day, once in 4 year, and happy birthday to people born on this day, it’s truly special, anyway heard that on this day if a girl ask a guy to do something or whatever, the guy can’t reject? What the reasoning behind it? Any stories to tell? Lol curious man why not the other way round? Lol

24th

2008-02-27T00:37:00.000+08:00

When for class dinner today, Breeks! Café @ ngee ann city lol. 20 + of us plus our careperson haha Before going to breeks I met joyce, sheena, vette, peiqi and aisha at bugis to go sim lim to repair joyce’s HDD lol and I found out that data recovery for HDD need $220 wow! Lol at least not worth for our data mah lol just get a new HDD is better haha. Anyway after that met the rest of the class at Orchard Mrt and went to breeks. The food there was great and on top of that there is a birthday person there and we sang the Happy Birthday song together lol so power can? Haha lol and…… and…… and…… our careperson treat us!!!! It was like $450+ lor wow haha cool man and maybe hor if C116 sees this maybe we can all contribute $10 and tgt will like have $200 and buy VJ a gift leh afterall we still stand to gain? Lol, but anyway yeah, just a plan haha.

After the meal, wanted to go lighthouse de but too far so in the end we went to Timbre haha. First time in a pub, not bad I would say nice place, nice atmosphere, nice songs, nice company, haha drank voka with 7up like only 2 cups per person not enough leh but no $$ sob sob then ordered sex on the bench lol gosu drink, took 2 at one shot lol taste good leh but really too little liao and too ex haha no choice lar. It’s time to go club now and go pub drink more lol need $$$ haha

23rd

2008-02-26T14:33:00.002+08:00

Can’t seem to sleep well recently, and it also seems like I can’t sleep before 3am lol I dun really know why but I have to switch my body clock back to normal soon. Anyway been feeling like shit lately, no one at home, no where to go to, nothing much to do, suddenly everything seems to stop and nothings moving, like everything is gone.

Well anyway at least I am still dota-ing lol and guess I will resume gyming on wed and also swimming and jogging lol after all exercise is part of me, shall basketball-ing soon enough haha meeting up with my class friends to have dinner with our careperson haha guess it’s gonna be nostalgic and sad? Haha but I am never sad wahaha stay happy always everyone, I will always be around if anyone needs me haha ok I am off to bath and prepare to go out haha cya all next time in Deathmare’s Chronicles (did I mention this book is sold in all major book stores?) Haha!

22nd

2008-02-18T01:43:00.001+08:00

Went to my dad’s office today to help out in work, it was really bad, too much things to do too little time but eventually finished it, sorta, been so tired and sad for a lot of things. Poly is ending, I am leaving, I am missing a lot of peeps here, all the times, all the fun, all the memories we shared, I just wish there is no end to our times being together. But life just has to move on, perhaps we will meet again, we will all see each other again, fate will bring us together again. Lots of regrets, lots of satisfaction, afterall it is the first time I gone through school life as what I want to be, I have changed, I have become a different person, and for once I journeyed through knowing what life is, at least a better understanding. I shall see what I am going to do now, hopefully I can continue studying in Uni, I have to admit I had not work that hard for it but well at least last sem I am working hard enough? Haha but after all we shall see how things goes

I miss you all everybody in TP everyone I had known, I really gonna miss you all the fun times and I guess after all we did not turn out fine but well if we are fated…. Miss you

21st

2008-02-11T00:03:00.001+08:00

Lol this year’s New Year was ok I would say, it could be better if the projects aren’t round the coner haha but nvm lol. Anyway went out with brent han and Edmund on new year’s 2nd day to cine to watch CJ7. Met them like 12am, so is like officially 3rd day of new year le haha but never then went to cine and buy tickets then played pool haha didn’t know got pool at cine till then haha anyway Cheryl joined us later and after movie we went home haha it was like 430 liao I think han and brent got home even later lor haha. Han if ya reading haha I finish my project we go tued ba wahaha tmr sch reopened haiz have to rush MP again sianz….. will someone massage for me ^_^

20th

2008-02-07T16:48:00.000+08:00

Lol New Year’s eve I was doing project in school all the way till 8+pm so peaceful in school, no one at all haha except me in the concourse lol Tot the bridge gate will be open 24/7 but that’s not the case I was gosu locked up inside campus lol had to climb over gate to get out sia power

New Year day I over slept, my relatives came visit before I even woke up gosu leh then like woke up and rush ard lol new year is boring haha

19th

2008-02-03T05:09:00.000+08:00

Lol 2nd of feb which is like ytd haha if I put today will be very weird cause pass 12am le haha anyway that day which is ytd, I slept like a pig, I woke up for 1 hr during 4pm to eat lunch then continue sleeping and woke up at like 7 and eat dinner and the sleep till dunno what time I woke up and do brochure till now lol power eh? I just cannot stop sleeping man~~ lol

Anyway was hungry then went out to buy mac then halfway towards mac I saw my dad then went to mac with him and to eat lol was like erh 2 to 3am plus haha ate mac wings and fish burger lol so full lor I am gonna get fat very soon anyway I am off to sleep le haha sleep sleep sleep all the way~~

18th

2008-02-01T22:06:00.001+08:00

Lol ytd played basketball with brent, medwin, juan, ky, randal, jy. Lol very fun once again basketball is coming back to my life so glad but it seems like my ligament problem’s coming back too, haiz dun know what to do too, guess I will take a step by a step at least it has not deteriorate to the point like that time haha.

Today went out with my mei, she said wan to bring “us” to eat good food but in the end only me and her lol cause fq was like so busy and ys is still trapped in camp lol. Anyway I step out of the house in like very slack wear then my 6 sense tells me I should wear better lol thus I went back and change and omg did I follow my 6 sense if not I am gonna look so weird man lol we actually went to Hotel Mirama to eat dim sum lol so relived I changed clothes lol. After that did some shopping and went to see laptops. Now all the laptops are damn power, basic specs would easily hit 120GB HDD and 2G ram and core 2 dua but all are windows vista lol anyway finally got the long waited Christmas present from my mei lol thanks a lot mei I like it a lot lol

17th

2008-01-29T02:04:00.001+08:00

It's not about having rights, it's about earning them. It's not about being respected, it's about gaining respect. It’s not about people giving you attention; it’s about you making an effort. Everyone is tired everyone is stress, sometimes it just take that little effort, that little change to make a big difference, some simple gestures, some things that should not be done.

Is it going to be like last year? Haha although I would like some answer but I think after all it’s your decision maybe in silent I will find the answer? Or perhaps you are showing me the answer haha

Lol been staying back in school for the pass few weeks le not bad I would say, great company, great friends, great time spent I am going to miss all of you all when poly ends man, haha haven’t been sleeping well or rather never even get to sleep for the pass few days I am so going to one shot sleep for 3 days after all is done. Lol been doing work just now and a red fly, those fruit fly? Not too sure but super colourful de flying ard my laptop haha so fun got company for work, like a pet haha but it’s gone le lol guess I should go back to work le ciao

16th

2008-01-27T02:51:00.001+08:00

Lol have been sleeping at ard 3am everyday now haha seems used to it le lol. Been working on those flash drawings at least now I am of use haha helping out with the artwork it’s really a killer if done by nick alone, he’s impressive as usual haha guess this artwork thing is the last obstacle to our MP and I think I will be busy with it for the next week or so at least till the end of MP ba, haha done the flash lite version kinda sucky though so sent it to DJ to beautify it haha add enhancement, debug and stuff, guess you still got to hand it to the pros haha, learn a lot in this MP after all, do things that I vow not to touch like coding flash, and learn to draw in flash something I dun even know I can handle haha guess both things I am not as good as them but I guess I will manage more or less ba hope I dun screw things up? Lol

Haven’t been human pet-ing for quite long haha but anyway shall go in once the dust settled haha school work dusts lol. Haha I am having fun with my friends in school staying back to do work and then sometimes have dinner haha seriously as of now I just dun wan to think so much le ba take whatever that comes at least now is much better than before haha wonder if it will just stay this way? Haha anyway life goes on haha

Simplify life, simplify thoughts, stay happy and spread the joy, no one deserve to share your pain and sufferings haha stay happy~~

15th

2008-01-22T01:13:00.001+08:00

I have always liked night time breeze feels so serene and calm sense of tranquility all troubles seems to disappear for that moment, being blown away by the winds. Hope I can go to the seaside for the breeze with you but guess that’s not gonna happen? Haha maybe I shall try going alone ba not that bad after all.

Been clearing virus ytd, the scan took damn long so I took the liberty to sit back and relax, reading books and listening to music, all the troubles just seems to pause at that point and the wall seems not not be cage anymore, just felt secure. And for some random stuff cute things starts to make me happy again guess I am starting to notice life’s simple pleasures so get me cute stuffs haha.

Anyway as of now I managed to clear the virus from my computer after so long all thanks to Tech support guy .com and khazar for attending to my case, at least now a load off my chest but there is still nick’s hope to be fulfilled and I ain’t gonna thrash his hopes, I never planned to and anyway hope your doing well ba, dun push yourself too hard and rest well ba nothing much I can do just silently hoping for all the best for you haha guess this way I should be contented le anything more will just be a dream for me anyway stay happy always haha for anyone who reads lol

You are tired but I will never be so count on me when you need it

14th

2008-01-20T02:41:00.001+08:00

Recently not sure why, I just felt like am caged when I am at home. Facing 4 walls and nothing else, just have the urge to get out, the feeling is like suffocated and unbearable.

For MP right now, I just dun wan to drag anyone down nor let anyone down, if that’s what you need and what we want we shall work towards that leaving no regrets to it.

Finally I am able to feel what Nicholas has been going through haha anyway I will be working of flash lite version of the game on Monday and see how things goes

Left with 1 more food to be drawn but overall I feel that all the work I drawn is sucky but its all I can manage so forgive me team, been doing the things that you guys are better in but I guess it’s like that we have to split and I have to work and learn, without talent I can just work harder and longer than anyone else lol

CMSK presentation on Monday hope it all goes well ba

13th

2008-01-17T00:28:00.001+08:00

Laid down on the bed today, thinking of all the things that could have been worst and suddenly I find myself in a place where actually I am not too bad, well it’s always how we see things. Prepared myself for all the worst things that could have happen, people dieing, going broke, accidents, illness and all the funny things but well this is just so life like, in a way these are bound to happen so it’s always good to be prepared. Suddenly I felt so tired, I always think that t ain’t the only one there that’s tired and stress and that is just so true so no point in telling anyone or showing or open up to anyone, it just adds to others’ problem, I do not really know when but others’ problem had always in a way became mind although it has noting to do with me. It’s always much harder to hide than to show, anyway bottling up a decade of stuffs has more or least been very impactful on the mind but somehow things just doesn’t go away, as far as my life is, it seems to be a vicious cycle where things just repeats itself not that I can control anyway. Just feel like having some company and sit at some place and just rest, relax, talk, even for a moment I think it always helps lol life’s like that, a trouble free and carefree life I yearn to have. What a woman wants is not a good guy but a guy who care loads for her and gives her a great sense of security.

12th

2008-01-15T00:28:00.000+08:00

Sadded man, laptop’s got virus and this time the virus is hard to remove haha it’s called: win32 nsanti Tried and attempted to remove by following some forum but it doesn’t work or the scan just hanged halfway but nvm seeked help from yee woon and now posting in a forum waiting for help haha lappie, external HDD and desktop all got infected haiz. So for now people please dun plug any drives into my laptop just in case, it’s a troublesome virus to remove really. Been so stress due to the virus haha sian lor but at least the com still runs normally just when I access the HDD the avg will pop up say got virus irritating haiz guess I can only wait ba hope nothing much goes wrong.

Guess no matter what still look at the bright side of life haha live life happily nothing’s too hard to be solved it just takes time a effort and a great thinking haha

11th

2008-01-14T00:50:00.001+08:00

Went to Bukit Batok HomeTeam NS to check out the shooting range today, there’s no information counter but there’s a chart or something haha took down the email address and gonna mail them in like the next week so so? Haha quite cheap lar $40 for a course got cert upon grad and $2 per round haha. When I get into NS I gonna spend much time there.

Still looking for the materials to make the item haha been planning it for quite long, birthday and valentines haha not like I always keep it in my mind but just that when I see some potential stuff there will be possibilities flashed in my mind haha but after long there’s still a lot of factors in it haha shall see how things goes ba anyway dun really think you will see this anyway haha haha still I would like an answer ba I guess be it good or bad haha not everything goes smoothly de mah haha see how ba

Once again some random thoughts
Although nothing is absolute in this world, things doesn’t change just because we are persistent or insisting that it will change. We just have to learn when to let go, why make yourself and others so troubled just because of one simple thing that could easily be solved. Yes things are hard to let go but this is just part of it we have to cope with all kind of tensions and situation. What you want might not be the best for everyone.

10th

2008-01-13T01:37:00.000+08:00

Haha I am starting to like vodka: ignite. It’s really great haha drank it while doing flash lite and made some progress but then I was stuck haha guess its look for help time. Done the thing that I am suppose to ask DJ on Monday but oh well now it’s another things, it’s on logic haha guess coding for me is still ok just needed more time than others and some brain cracking haha hardwork never fails to pay off at least for now but we shall see in the future haha.

Anyway I always liked alcoholic drinks that are like with flavors like fruits or other tastes, plain alcohol is ok with me but I prefer the one I mentioned earlier haha. Alcohol is great haha maybe I should start bringing them to school and drink while I work haha but as always too much will turn the effects over to the other side haha

Alcohol can de-stress, calm me down and help me work better, in small amount though haha

8th

2008-01-11T22:19:00.000+08:00

Wah flash lite is hard and I am a noob at action script. Lol had the logic and idea but dun know how to code it out, lots of errors and try outs spend like an hour or so just making some simple stuffs lol guess without talent I can only rely on hard work and determination liao haha do abit like almost dieing le haha so tired afraid the project might be bad cause of me haha but nvm there’s always our coder Mr DJ ard haha DJ.onRelease=“No Fear” lol slowly figure out and work ba hopefully by Monday the flash version can work and at least be of 70% of DJ’s battle work in flash haha not easy for me lol life aint easy but I will always be easy haha simple life = happy life

8th

2008-01-11T03:00:00.001+08:00

Went for medical checkup ytd for NS, we reached at about 9am and the whole things ended at about 3pm when we were released (finally) gone through lots of checks and x-rays the medical part was ok but the real pain is the waiting for the turn for a vocational test and the doing of the test damn long I skipped a lot of questions haha then final result is a pes B due to my dislocated shoulder lol super long case le

Find that there are lots of thing that are better left unspoken or can’t be spoken but there are times and people let those spill I guess that can’t be helped ba haha things that can’t be blogged lol life’s like that but dun make it complicated, haha simplify stuffs and lead a simple life haha off ta sleep nites~

7th

2008-01-08T23:49:00.001+08:00

For a start today is a rainny day mah I was drenched whole jeans is soaked wet, feeling was terrible but no choice lar no time to go change liao so haha sticked with it. Anyway I never went to lecture today, not sure if there is a lot of notes to be taken but I can always count on my friends like Azri haha *wink if ya reading Mr Cat lol.

Anyway pretty normal day, tomorrow I’m going for medical checkup for NS wonder how it will go, and after that no plans since DJ got a date. Been seeing lots of emo and angry people, tried my best but after all I guess these things us outsiders can’t do much about it de lar just listen lor and do what we can do and leave the rest to themselves, I guess I am pretty cool haha no problems at all that’s cool eh? After all I made a promise never to get angry or emo again haha after my sec school days, promise kept so long hope it stays that way haha dun like the me of the past either ^_^ gotta bounce cya all who reading (wondering if there’s even 1 apart from me lol)

6th

2008-01-07T00:31:00.000+08:00

Lol in the end still cannot ta han and go sleep so did some work haha sort of finished up the texture but it look damn funny realy need to seek help from texturers in class liao haha anyway at least can make it for tmr de presentation I guess and I finally did some flash lite thingy for MP did some simple stuffs but figure out come concepts found some things that needs to be changed or rather some bug so shall discuss with DJ tmr. Although is just copy over DJ de flash codes and it works for flash lite I feel at least something is done not that bad haha shall work harder tmr hehe and sleep for now tmr going gym liao woohoo

Hope your doing well haha jia you

5th post

2008-01-06T20:58:00.001+08:00

Today went out with parents to Bugis where I finally bought my mouse after so long of considerations and after some scolding by my parents to ask me buy mouse haha they even offered to buy for me but nah guess it’s the same ba. Well anyway went to eat at Aji Tei, first time, the food is great haha maybe next time I shall bring friends there haha
Well I guess I need a wallet liao mine is disintegrating liao the coin compartment has a hole and my coin will just drop out man cool eh? Anyway bought an earring too, forced the hole out again as it has become smaller over time but haha yup it went in so I guess the earring will stay there for quite some time.

Well sometimes I just feel that I am not the one you’re looking for not sure if it is just my thinking or…. But I kind of feel its true, well I guess I need to know but how will I know? I need to get over it soon now, been making me feel slightly bottled up guess maybe when the time is right I will pop the bottle? Haha shall see how ba

Rested for the whole day cause got back home quite late too dun feel like working liao been lazy, not really caring bout the feeling anymore guess when I work I will work so what if I am lazy? Haha will get things done de I am always ok haha

fourth entry

2008-01-06T00:47:00.001+08:00

Lol did some work today sort of like got them cleared and feel a bit weird. Always got this weird feeling that I never do enough, haiz don’t really know too but never mind, guess when flash lite comes in I will be more busy le haha I think partly is because I work too fast, tend to get things that I know done in faster than normal time or rather normal time ba haha

Been having like insomnia or rather a opposite body clock for nearly a month now, some side effects are starting to show like headache, dizzy spells and stuff haha, guess its not long before spider webs are spun on me.

Bought some nice chocolate from the NTUC haha Japanese product, don’t know what they are writing but the package is nice so ya bought it lor haha normal lar learn in POM mah packaging is important haha chocolate can help distress leh so its great and alcohol too perfect for sleeping lol

third entry

2008-01-05T02:01:00.000+08:00

Part 1
First of all this blog is not really an emo blog, a blog of confession or what so ever, it’s just plainly a blog that I use as per any other blog. And people reading this the cover is nothing more than an article I wrote in the past no special meaning or confession or what so ever, I will confess to the person straight cause I am really tired of guessing games and or hidden message. If I am using hidden message, I am trying to not cause too much trouble not that I wan to be secretive. I tend to care bout others even though it’s not needed but that’s just me.

Part 2
People have been asking how your MP is going well I shall say its ok. But truly DJ and Nick are doing all the work thus far, I am handling some minor stuffs and I feel like I can’t do much, been dragging so long, since the start, I have not been feeling great at all but what’s the point? As of now I am working to the best I can no time for other things it’s just not like me to be feeling down in school. After all its not just about me, projects a group effort we cannot do what we can’t, cannot be what we are not so yeah I can only do what I can.

Part 3
Well I guess I have said it but after all I only know till now and I dun know what to do from here on, hope you are doing well, I do not know your problems at hand and neither can I have but once again the same old saying I will be there when you need me. I do not wish to move on anymore as I think it will add to your troubles so yeah I will wait once again.

Part 4
Everything has a start and an end, a cause to everything well I started out with some emo stuff so now I will end it on a lighter tone, I am doing great so no worries so far, been playing basketball that has been one thing that kept me happy every time I am down since sec sch days haha, well at least of now I look back I am a changed person haha. Coping with work so far too and settled myself down too guess no matter what I wun show either so ya haha real long entry eh haha I think can end le anyway good luck to all who read and may all things goes well

I am your guardian angel, wish that all will go well for you, it will all past.

First entry

2008-01-04T01:14:00.000+08:00

For a start after so long i decided to use this blog and dun just let it rest in the database well i guess i need things to start this blog out so hopefully u guys can help me? haha pass me ur blog links so i can link em? and do tag at my board haha starting to find things to help me escape ba i guess haha

2008-01-02T15:37:00.000+08:00

Thx to Edmund for help in troubleshooting my entries format haha thx alot